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Some thought I was a mushroom the first time I came around. I wonder what they will think of me when I return this time. Probably a bottle of cheap wine, or Vodka. Depends on which nationality will be asked. In some communities I could be mistaken for a bad epidemic of crack houses.
Too get those starry eyes everyone in the world thinks I will have, as by all those movies depicting me, I would have to do more drugs than appeared in all the Cheech and Chong movies. Or by the compassionate conservative Christian Right, I would have to slay all the sinners and homosexuals, aborters , and liberals who asked questions. They love the Armageddon scenes of war filled with brimstone and fire.
But truthfully Armageddon is a peace summit of sorts. I wonder if the hotel in Megeddo is still holding my reservation? Basically, when I show up, no will notice. They will still be waiting for Jesus the miracle pill.
Well this time I ain’t getting nailed to any tree while a bunch of hicks get drunk in lounge chairs thinking they are going to heaven. Just because my arms have nine inches of petal piercing them! Most of the movie going world flocked to the Passion to watch me get the shit kicked out of me, just so they can go back to grazing in the fields thinking I will save their lives. Savior of the Couch Potatoes. No one went to see the Gospel of John narrated by Christopher Plummer that was in the theater at the same time! If they did they would actually have to learn something to save their own lives. Buddha was right, keep all your miracles behind closed doors. No I did not have to listen, So I ended up doing three shows a day at the sands. The sands on the other side of the Golem heights that is. What am I Jesus the miracle Caterer?
Some famous guy said, If you want to boil a frog, raise the temperature slowly. Well I say the only way to get the frog to jump out is to turn the heat all the way up. You know what free will is! It is the one time when some one gives you the option not to drink the poison, you drink it any way. For it is the first time some one gave you the power to exercise your will of dissent. Too long people have been accustomed to control by fear. If their is too much freedom, their is too much fear. So fear is propagated to control fear. Most of the world say praise Jesus, but never read past Moses and pick up with the letters of Peter and Paul.
They should of stuck with the Peppermint Patty.
You know it ain’t the first time I was ignored. 2 out of 12 Jewish tribes denied me. At the time of my fathers father, all the smart Jews left for parts unknown. The remaining 2 tribes were ruining the neighborhood. They said Abraham was wrong leaving Iraq and went back. Popular belief was to leave it up to the kings and priests to fight it out amongst themselves. And if the truth be known, only 20% of the 2 tribes disliked me anyway. The ones it was easier to fit a camel through an eye of a needle than themselves through the gates of heaven.
They still expect me to pay for the damage done to those tables.
But I go on too much. The real reason all those Gnostic texts got lost in the desert and the mountains, I talk too much. The four gospels you know and love, was a long worked on edited cliff notes version. But the gripe that is really getting to me is, no one does for themselves. Why do you think I high tailed it out of there the first time. Heal me this, miracle me that, a good Jewish boy could get no rest.
But for real, here is the message. Stick to the Beatitudes and call it a day. But remember I am the son of man and you are the son of God. As well as I am the son of God, and you are the son of man. I am the teacher and the way, your job as student is to learn and become a peer and then teach me something. Masters are peers, Doctorates are those who create and ad something new to a science or art. May you all become that.
For in truth the universe is getting a little bit boring, watching re runs of the big bang gets old. So grow up and remember you will never find me in the bottom of a bottle, a mushroom, apathy, fear, president, or an order. Only inside yourselves and in your own actions. At that time I can build a log Cabin and retire into the woods for eternity.
Hey can any one point me out a good Aurburn haired girl who likes archeology that is from a strong emotional family? Hmmm…
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As author of my own political humor site, I thought I’d compile a list of my favorite political humor sites as a reference for others. If you like funny, side-splitting political humor from every range on the ideological spectrum, then rest assured - you’ll love these sites:
Political Humor Sites: My Favorites
Scrappleface (www.scrappleface.com): Pure political humor at its best, this site is a compilation of “fairly unbalanced” news stories written by Scott Ott. With a daily array of wildly original and funny “news stories,” the genius of Scrappleface is compounded by the fact that it’s a one-man operation… Quite simply one of the best political humor sites you’ll ever see. Highly recommended.
The Onion (www.theonion.com): The ten-thousand-pound gorilla of political humor sites is The Onion, an almost endless treasure trove of fun and hilarity. Its fake news stories are legendary, and if you haven’t yet seen The Onion in at least one form of media, then you’ve been living in a cave. Check it out.
JibJab (www.jibjab.com): Home to the world famous Flash cartoons “This Land is Your Land” and “I Wish I Were in DC” that reached cult status during the 2004 presidential election. A fun site to visit for political humor.
Ironic Times (www.ironictimes.com): An awesome political humor site cut from the same mold as Scrappleface and The Onion. In fact, it’s the only other site I can find that approaches the same level of hilarity. Everything on this site is funny!
Today’s Best Political Cartoons (cagle.msnbc.com): Each day, Daryl Cagle provides a fresh update of the best professionally penned political cartoons. If you love political cartoons, this site is one-stop shopping for all your needs.
Doonesbury (www.doonesbury.com): The classic cartoon of the same name brandishes its trademark brand of political humor from a site filled with archives and brilliant Flash content. After all these years, it’s still one of the best sources for political humor.
Slick Times (www.slick.com): It’s similar to Scrappleface, The Onion, and Ironic Times, but not yet reaching “elite status”. Slick Times resembles a real newspaper, but its content is a whole lot funnier. Make sure you check out “How a Bill Becomes a Law” by Coach John Madden.
Cracked News (crackednews.com): Constructed in the template of an “alternative” news source similar to the Slick Times. There’s some funny stuff here that’s worth checking out.
Bartcop (www.bartcop.com): A no-holds barred political humor site with a liberal slant to it, Bartcop has been entertaining liberals for over a decade. One warning though: due to language, some content may not be appropriate for children.
The Capitol Steps (www.capsteps.com): Fresh political humor content drawn from the stage and musical act of this talented group of former congressional staffers. My personal recommendation is to go see their act in person. You won’t be disappointed…
About The Author
Britt Gillette is author of ‘Britt’s Rush Limbaugh Blog,’ a political humor site with a conservative slant. He is also author of The Dittohead’s Guide to Adult Beverages (Regnery Publishing, 2005).
You may not be aware of it but these illegal immigration marches into the many demonstrations with millions of people around the country are part of the bigger conspiracy. That’s right, there is a conspiracy afoot. You see, many other Hispanic workforces come to United States of America has picked up bad work ethic habits of many Americans. Many have come here to build a better life and so they have.
But did you know that many of these illegal aliens are now becoming too fat to work. That’s true, many are becoming overweight, eating too much and not working hard enough to burn off fat. It looks as if all the fat, dumb and happy Americans have been teaching all the illegal aliens some very bad habits. And we cannot have any of that.
So many people look around the country have organized marches to help the illegal aliens burn off the fat. If given them big flags, some American and some Mexican to waver around frantically to give their upper body a good complete work out. This indeed will help burn off calories and help thin up our workforce. Many of the wealthy liberals organizing these marches have gardeners, live-in maids and even hire some of these illegal aliens in their businesses.
So you see, do not be alarmed with the millions of protesters yelling obscenities in Spanish at all the Americans, because the jokes on them. We’re just trying to get some of that frustration out of them, make them too tired to fight eviction from our country in and to get them to lose a few more pounds while we work their asses off before we throw them out. I heard this from a reliable source, a conspiracy theorist and homeless person in downtown Santa Monica near the pier. Consider the 2006.
“Lance Winslow” - Online Think Tank forum board. If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs/
Chick: A hatchling
Capon: A castrated male used for meat. (How much could that yield?)
Pullet: A female chicken under one year old.
Hen: A female chicken over one year of age
Rooster: A male chicken over one year of age.
Raising Chickens for the first time can be intimidating. When I first called the Feed Shop, I was trying to sound like a pro. I asked, “Do you sell pullets?” “Yes”, the man replied. “Are they all females?” It’s been an uphill battle ever since.
Pullet parenthood is an much of an adventure as child rearing, only with more feces per pound of body weight. However, I’ve been reading quite a bit on poultry matters. (Yes, my coolness just turned over in its grave.) So if I am correct and I am quite certain I am not, here is how chicken rearin’ goes.
Go to your local feed store and purchase $10.00 worth of chicks and $50 worth of food and supplies. Don’t forget the water dispensers. Buying the metal ones, never plastic is always advised. I have yet to see a metal one.
Next, place the chicks somewhere sheltered, like a bedroom closet. Toss in some highly flammable straw or wood shavings and promptly dangle a glowing heat lamp just above them. Note to self: Update homeowner’s policy.
For the next several weeks feed them 3 lbs of food per day and remove 4 lbs of sh*t per day from the closet. Despite all logic the birds get bigger. As the adult feathers grow in be sure to clip one of their wings. That is one per bird, not just one wing total. If clipping is done late chicks will nest in your toilet. This is a bad thing.
Clipping can be accomplished by tossing your scissors and your body into the heaping mound of chicks, poop and straw. Grab a wiggling screeching bird from the bile pile. Restrain it with one hand. Stretch the wing out with your second hand. Clip off 50% of the wings outer ten feathers with your third hand.
As the birds grow adjust the heat light temperature down by one degree per day. No, this is not actually possible. That’s not my point. You start at 100 degrees for hatchlings then continue down by one degree per day until your bedroom is a minimum of 3 degrees cooler than the spring blizzard outside your window.
Once you have frozen your ear to your semi-cannibalistic down pillow and the chicks have grown their adult feathers, they can be moved outside to the coop. I estimate the initial closet rearing stage to have taken five years.
Before the move, experience the Joy of Wing Clipping one more time. Feather clipping never works the first time. No one knows why. Still, after all the hassle you probably don’t want them to fly the coop in under sixty seconds. Of course, if you’re like me, by this time you may be inclined to pack them each a lunch and leave a stack of Greyhound tickets by the open coop gate.
Regarding habitat construction: Hen houses and chicken coops are a competitive art form. There are a myriad of web sites showing off architectural designs from Chicken Chateaus to Bird Bordellos. The meticulous craftsmanship makes my own home look like - well - like a chicken coop.
Always fashionable, I went with a shabby chic motif for my coop. The nesting boxes are an eclectic mix of stolen milk crates affixed to the wall by anything in arms reach. As for the coop itself, there is a gift for tight chicken wire, which eludes me. Quite frankly, my first attempt at a coop looks like Dr. Seuss dropped a hit of acid, blasted some Jefferson Starship and rolled around on the wire with every Who in Whoville. I think I’ll keep it.
Inferior design aside, I ultimately learned a thing or two. The nesting boxes are supposed to be up off the ground. That is correct. For those of you keeping score you just spent two weeks cutting back the birds flight feathers only to hang their houses in the sky. It’s just sick.
Higher than the nest boxes, you are to build a roost. This is where the birds crap at night so they do not crap on your breakfast eggs. Of course the roost is usually OVER the nesting boxes, so whatever you do, don’t use those perforated plastic milk crates.
For young birds maintain a heat light in the hen house. Then on cooler nights an animal with a brain the size of an bulimic toe nail clipping will make the conscious decision to forgo your nest boxes, bypass the instinctual roost and leap into a tanning bed.
And finally there is the feed regime. I asked several experts and read up on feeding as well. Make sure to give your chickens, starter formula, mash, growth formula, start & grow, brood formula, grit, no grit, scraps, no scraps, goat placenta, nothing suggested on the internet, tetramyaicn, no antibiotics, medicated starter, non-medicated starter and never ever switch in-between.
I may not be Queen of the Coop yet, but I’m working on it. Though I am still a zoologist and I still know Birds 101. Here are two myths I can help with. First, you do not need a rooster to get eggs. Most folk, especially those who have never owned chickens, will advise you on chickens. Each will insist you need a rooster for a while to do his manly duties, then you can slip him in the pot. As appealing as this concept is, your pot is a separate issue.
Roosters are only needed to make fertile eggs. Hens are all that is needed to make breakfast eggs. Fertile eggs are just peachy if raising chicks was such a joy the first time you want to repeat the whole freakin’ process. In addition there is always the risk of breaking a fertilized egg open and finding a 50% formed chick fetus hitting your hot skillet. Yum! Years of therapy will follow.
To keep it straight in your mind consider this: You are going about your life. Suddenly massive balls of calcium start stacking up inside your abdomen. Are you going to hold on to them just because you have not had sex lately?
The second bird myth is totally unrelated so I thought I would mention it. Penguins occur in nature from the Equator on Southward. That is down to the Antarctica, not the Arctic! No, they do not hang out with Polar Bears who live in the Arctic. No, you did not see them when you worked in Alaska, in the Arctic. Those were puffins. No, I am not sorry you look stupid to all those folks you told penguin tales to.
Yes, some penguin species even reside on the Galapagos Islands at the equator (Cold weather would kill them), not floating around on icebergs - and not in the Arctic! Yes, I realize my eggs are not all in one basket. Delusional, close-minded people who insist you need a rooster to fertilize your penguin eggs so polar bears won’t loose their food supply drove me crazy!
Viagra. That one word packs a lot of punch. Let’s face it; there is little that has been derided more than Viagra. On the talk shows, it has been the butt of more jokes than Michael Jackson and Saddam Hussein combined. For example:
(OK, OK. I admit I was going to share an example or two, but I couldn’t find any clean enough to pass my censor’s well-trained eyes.)
Of course, if you are not laughing yet from the jokes you could imagine I might have told, it may be because you are so fed up of receiving offers for Viagra in your email inbox, right up there with the prospect of enhancing body parts you didn’t even know you owned. In fact, you may even be convinced that spam was invented just to deliver the Viagra industry’s message to your personal desktop.
Can anything good come from Viagra?
As a matter of fact, yes. Scientists have actually found a benefit from Viagra (No, I am not talking about experimenting in their labs.) Apparently Viagra is good for the environment.
It took a lot of work and several failed attempts to reach this conclusion. First, the scientists tried to use Viagra as an additive to revive lakes that were dying from acid rain. Unfortunately, it raised the lake’s body temperature and fried the fish.
Then they tried using Viagra to replace polluting dry cleaner chemicals, but clothes came back too rigid to wear: “Hey, how come my fleece isn’t soft anymore?” “I thought I told you not to starch my collars.” “Ouch!”
The researchers tried feeding Viagra to swine, cattle, and chickens, hoping to replace feed sources that now consume vast areas of land. However, the farm animals wouldn’t touch the stuff. The cockroaches, however, found it energizing, and before long there were very few barns left.
Next they decided to see if Viagra could be used as a low-polluting fuel to heat homes in the winter. That option looked promising … until airplanes started hitting the rising chimney stacks. Oops.
Then the scientists tried offering Viagra to all the taxi drivers who insisted on idling their polluting engines between fares. Unfortunately, it seems that most cab drivers preferred idling to anything Viagra could do for them (which may explain the way they drive.)
Finally, the researchers have discovered that Viagra can save endangered species. This is no joke - check the wire services on the Internet. In fact, a paper published recently by researchers at the University of Alaska and the University of New South Wales reveals that the trade in exotic body parts used as aphrodisiacs has fallen dramatically since Viagra hit the market.
Rhinos love this, because poachers had made them almost extinct, killing them for the horn, so sought-after by the lovelorn, and leaving the carcass behind. Reindeer feel more secure about their antlers now, too, since the velvet coverings are in less demand. And you may already have noticed fewer seals walking around town with their legs crossed, as the price for their private parts has fallen 72 percent.
Others who are thrilled about this great scientific discovery include sea horses, pipefish, elk and the ever beloved sea cucumber. I am still not sure whether that last one is a joke.
So, is Viagra the butt of countless jokes or the scourge of the Internet? If you look for silver linings, it is neither. It is the savior of endangered species. Now that I’ve helped clear that up for you, what else do you deride? What else upsets you? Can you find a silver lining? I’m sure you can. If Viagra is a good thing, can there be anything bad?
About The Author
David Leonhardt is the Happy Guy, author of “Climb your Stairway to Heaven: the 9 habits of maximum happiness at http://www.TheHappyGuy.com/happiness-self-help-book.html. Visit him at http://www.TheHappyGuy.com.
info@thehappyguy.com
You’ve heard the old phrase, “No sense of humor”. We use it every time we tell somebody a joke and they don’t laugh. Maybe you’ve just witnessed something funny, like a person tripping over a step stool and tumbling to the ground. You bust out in laughter but you friend, standing right next to you and seeing the same thing that you just saw, has absolutely no reaction whatsoever. You stare at your friend in disbelief. How could he not laugh at something like that?
Why people laugh at certain things and not at others is as mystery to everyone. If it weren’t, sitcoms would never fail. Every show that ever hit the tube with the intention of making us laugh would be an instant hit. But they’re not. Why? What goes wrong with the process? Why is someone getting hit in the face with a pie funny to one person and not another? Why is the same joke funny to one person and yet the same joke when told by another person gets no reaction?
There are theories as to why people don’t find things funny, but that’s all they are, is theories. Nobody has the answer to perfecting humor. Note all the failed sitcoms. One theory is that it’s all in the delivery. In other words, how a joke is told. This might explain how the same joke, when told by two different people, generates two different responses. Or in layman’s terms, some people just don’t know how to tell a joke, no matter how funny the joke itself is. As funny as Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s On First” routine is, imagine it being done by two people who just don’t have the talent for performing. Your favorite routine can quickly turn into a bland performance.
Another theory is that whether or not something is funny to a person has a lot to do with what they have or have not been through in life. This can actually work in both ways. If a person has been the victim of a crime, they may not find humor involving cops and robbers as being very funny. However, somebody who has been on an air flight that was delayed for several hours can relate to humor based on airline delays and may actually find such a routine funny. Or they may think back to the hell that it was and not find anything funny about it at all.
And still another theory is that some people just don’t find anything funny. Humor itself is not something they respond to. Think about why you laugh at something. In many cases it’s because of what you’ve learned about a subject and the joke is poking holes at it. A person who simply finds nothing as being funny may just look at the hole poking as another part of the subject itself. In other words, they don’t get the joke. An example would be a joke that goes like “Trying to get the post office to deliver the mail on time is like trying to get President Bush to tell the truth”. The person may simply not see the connection or humor in that statement and all the explaining in the world isn’t going to make him see it.
Until we figure out for certain what makes something funny, sitcoms are still going to fail miserably and nobody is going to understand why.
Michael Russell
Your Independent guide to Humor
Tom Cruise, the biggest male box-office attraction in American cinema, that is, until he recently displayed a variety of astonishingly off-putting antics, has now taken another dramatic step in his imaginative quest to end his career, which was largely based on his once seemingly cute and innocent appeal.
Much to the dismay of his millions of fans, the film icon has renounced scientology and become a Moslem Fundamentalist.
Troubled by his apparently self-destructive behavior, we were able to arrange an interview.
NewsLaugh: You seem to be behaving in rather odd ways lately, Tom. What’s behind it all?
Cruise: You have no idea what it’s like to suddenly find yourself the most popular movie star in the world when you can’t possibly see any reason you’d reach such a pinnacle. So what happens is you get this really subliminal desire to take yourself down.
NewsLaugh: Oh, so that’s why you’ve been acting like a jackass?
Cruise: Exactly! I don’t feel I deserve the celebrity, so I’m trying to destroy my career any way I can.
NewsLaugh: Actually, you’re doing an outstanding job.
Cruise: Well, you know, whatever it takes. At first I tried just jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch and acting crazy in love. But, come on, that was way too sweet to do the kind of damage I was hoping to do.
NewsLaugh: So you began to emphasize your strong belief in scientology?
Cruise: Well, came out about it in the most offensive ways I could think of.
NewsLaugh (pointing to his new beard and white turban): Why the Islamic Fundamentalist turn?
Cruise: Glad you asked. My new picture, Mission Impossible III, opened at $34 million. Of course, it was projected to open at $45 mil., but $34 mil. is still way more than I deserve. So I decided I had to do something really radical to finish off my career.
NewsLaugh: You’re certainly chose effectively. It would be hard to imagine anything that would alienate more fans.
Cruise: So isn’t it great? I’m only holding back on one thing. Notice the white turban?
NewsLaugh: It’s a little hard to miss.
Cruise: Right. I picked it because, as you know, the good buys always wear a white hat. I don’t plan to switch to black unless I see that I still have some box-office appeal.
NewsLaugh: Why can’t you just get back to being the nice, excitable guy you appeared to be in films like Jerry McGuire? That’s obviously what your fans want.
Cruise: You really think so?
NewsLaugh: Of course. Is that how they came to know and love you?
Cruise: But, given my present state of mind, how can I possibly do that?
NewsLaugh: True. Hey, just a suggestion, but maybe you should examine your present state of mind.
Cruise: You think so? Well, first let’s see how the beard and turban thing work out.
Tom Attea, creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing “”delightfully funny” and “witty” with “good, genuine laughs.”